Co-Regulation 101
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is an action that happens naturally and unconsciously when we are connecting with our loved ones. The first moment of co-regulation in our lives happens between a baby and its parent. Small cues such as making eye contact and smiling, picking us up when we’re crying to be rocked, and feeding when we’re hungry, are signals to the baby that they are safe and cared for. Co-regulation occurs when a parent helps their child regulate their emotions by providing comfort, reassurance, or guidance.
As we grow up, co-regulation continues to occur naturally in our interpersonal relationships. Depending on our early experience with our caregivers, for better or worse, our internal attachment system has already developed and internalized the bulk of what it’s going to learn in the earliest phases of life. As adults, co-regulation naturally happens between partners, friends, parents and children, and any other close and loving relationships. In a romantic relationship, partners usually unconsciously co-regulate each other's emotions by providing support, validation, or empathy during times of stress or difficulty.
Co-regulation is important for emotional development and well-being, particularly in childhood, as it helps us learn to manage our emotions, cope with stress, and form healthy relationships. In the therapy office, co-regulation is often a key component of therapeutic interventions. Your couples counselor may help you learn and practice regulating your own emotions through supportive interactions and by modeling effective coping strategies such as deep breathing, putting a hand over the heart, or gentle rocking to self-soothe.
For those of us who struggle as adults to self-soothe and emotionally regulate, it’s possible that we didn’t get this early imprinting from our parents for myriad reasons (e.g. a parent was physically or mentally ill when we were young and couldn’t offer the care we needed).
Learning how to self-soothe is one of the best things you can do for your relationship; at the same time, one of the benefits of being in a relationship is that you will naturally have someone around to support you in doing so. This is what co-regulation is, and it’s possible to learn how to do it even as an adult.
Polyvagal Theory and Co-Regulation
Polyvagal Theory suggests that the autonomic nervous system has evolved to support three response systems—social engagement (“Ventral Vagal”), mobilization (“Sympathetic” or fight-or-flight), and immobilization (“Dorsal Vagal” or freeze)—which influence social behavior, emotion regulation, and physiological states based on perceived safety and threat cues.
Co-regulation and the Polyvagal Theory offer insights into how people interact socially and manage their emotions and bodily responses. Since co-regulation shows us that we impact each other's physiological and emotional states during social interactions, within the social engagement system (or “Ventral Vagal”), co-regulation happens when we synchronize our emotions to create feelings of safety and connection.
In stressful situations, co-regulation usually means providing support or reassurance to one another to help regulate each other’s arousal levels.
Couples Therapy Can Help You Co-Regulate
In couples therapy, co-regulation plays a crucial role in helping you and your partner develop healthier patterns of interaction and communication. The following are examples of how co-regulation can lead to greater emotional and relational safety:
Emotion Regulation
Couples counseling often involves helping each partner learn to regulate their emotions more effectively. In a session, both of you will learn emotion regulation skills for managing anger, anxiety, or other strong emotions that can cause distress in a relationship. Co-regulation comes into play as your therapist models and encourages each of you to support the other emotionally during times of distress. By co-regulating each other’s emotions, you and your partner can learn to navigate conflicts with greater calm and understanding.
Attachment Dynamics
Many couples struggle with attachment challenges, which can manifest as insecurity, fear of abandonment, or difficulty forming close bonds. You may have heard of “attachment styles” (including avoidant, anxious, anxious-avoidant, and secure), which impact the way we know how to relate to another in an intimate relationship. Co-regulation in couples therapy focuses on creating a secure attachment dynamic between you and your partner so that each of you feels safe and supported. Your therapist will help each of you identify and address attachment wounds while facilitating interactions that foster trust, intimacy, and mutual reliance.
Communication Skills
Effective communication is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. Co-regulation plays a role in couples therapy by helping partners improve their communication skills. Your therapist will guide you in learning how to actively listen to each other, use non-violent communication principles, build empathy, and express emotions constructively. By co-regulating through healthy communication, you and your partner will learn to respond to each other with sensitivity and respect, even in challenging situations.
Conflict Resolution
Couples often seek therapy to address relationship challenges at the height of the conflict. Co-regulation techniques are used to help partners manage conflict more constructively. Your therapist may teach you how to de-escalate conflicts, regulate your emotional responses, and find mutually satisfactory resolutions. By co-regulating during conflict, you and your partner can avoid destructive patterns of communication and work together toward compromise and understanding.
Overall, co-regulation in couples counseling involves creating a supportive environment where partners can learn to navigate emotional challenges, communicate effectively, and build a stronger, more resilient relationship. Your couples counselor will help facilitate this process by modeling healthy interactions, teaching relevant skills, and providing guidance tailored to the unique needs of your relationship.
Learn More
If you are interested in learning more about co-regulation and couples therapy at Sona Collective, please reach out to schedule a complimentary consultation. We would be glad to discuss how couples therapy may benefit you.